These are a few questions that keep going through me and though I know the answer, I hate when they come out for they always remind me of something that went by so fast we sometimes didn't even notice the chance we had to live it. I write them because I know that I'm not the only one asking myself these questions.

Where are my baozis to wake me up in the morning?

Where are the hot pots to burn Shak's mouth?

Where are the potatoes of Guo Zi Lou ?

Where are Sarah and Sam cooking us corn in the cave?

Where is Kai extolling the virtues of medicinal herbs?

Where is Nina blowing us away with her lectures ?

Where are Grace and Eli showing off their lion-dancing moves?

Where is An San Mei holding us prisoner in Haba village?

Where are the Chinese people to talk to?

Where is Annie, the Legend of yoga?

Where is Sunny, the sunshine of our trip?

Where all my buddies from long train rides?

Where are Shak's `manly`moments?

Where are Eli's random (but funny) comments?

Where is EGELMANN!!!! ?

Where is my favorite belligerent Cantonese ?

Where is the splendor of northern Yunnan?

Where are the temples of Wu Dang Shan? 

Where is Mao's mummy?

Where is the sketchiness of Chung King Mansion? 

In sum, where is China? 

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                  I see you in me.

 I remeber it like it was yesterday, the spiral of our fingers, the flickering of the candles, the chanting of voices, the locked eyes, the drone of the surronding jungle.

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                   I see you in me.

There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of each one of you. There hasn't been a day that I haven't talked about each one of you. There hasn't been a day that I have missed each one of you more than today.

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                   I see you in me.

That night I saw you in me. I saw the changes you have caused, they were becoming apparent,  slowly at first, it was as if they were walking out of the Tajumulco fog.

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                   I see you in me.

I look around my room, my eyes fall upon my christmass ornament I won in the scavenger hunt, my eyes fall upon the folded up piece of blue construction paper that each 12 of you wrote something so genuine on, my eyes fall upon the sombrero key chain the Chico Mendes school gave to me at "graduation" , my eyes fall upon the typical guatemalan spoon from the trek to Tajumlco, my eyes fall upon the candle stub from the student orginized final ceremony at Finca Ixobel.

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                    I see you in me.

I remeber the emotions projected that were projected on your face, the laughter fits, the serious pauses, the sad phases, the furious moments, and the fearful interludes.

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                    I see you in me.

I see all 12 of you in me, Aaron, Allie, Carson, Daniel, Delia, Jamaal, Luispe, Michaela, Noah, Regina, Sarah, and Sophie, I want to see all of you in front of me, in one of our big circles or jelly rolls.

Inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, inglakesh alaeem, 

                    I see you in me.

I remember that night that I thought that it felt like forever, now I realize that if it was forever we would still be there, but nothing lasts forever.

Dear Cambodia,

Do you remember when we first met, when I kissed your jasmine skin and slipped my feet into your earth and sighed that I loved you? It feels like ages ago. I must have bathed under your morning sun a thousand times, I must have felt the warmth of a thousand smiles. I'm not ready to leave you yet, it feels like our love has just begun to flicker. Do you remember when the Heavens blanketed your roasting highways, or when I danced in your muddy rivers, or even when you lullabied me to sleep all those times? I have wrapped my arms around your trees and caught the spray of your sea on my face, I have watched the days fold over themselves and clutched your grassy hair in fear. Now, I swell with the sting of yesterday. My breath ebbs as I imagine being without you. You have shown me the silken hearts of men. I have tasted you, I have become you, I have loved you. Please don't tell me goodbye, because it mustn't be. Don't tell me that our lives simply contrast like stripes or that our skins are not the same- you are thatched into my soul, forever, and I will leave my footprints with you when I leave. I can feel this truth aching in my bones- I will come back for them someday. I promise. We will whisper in each other's ears once again.

Jenny

                                                                                                  [for those who have changed me]

 i will carry you with me

Time swung out on a creaking hinge,

woke me up in a cold sweat,

drowned me in the weight of now.

i measured my days with lizards' eyes and heaven's skies,

i forgot the blackness of my soles.

maybe i just let the summer's lull sway me asleep,

maybe i was a licking fire, or the cricket's leap.

but i was swallowed by that morning heat,

lost in dancing around fate with bare feet,

hypnotized by the hums of faith, and us, and life.

i couldn’t have known that our hands would fit so well,

or that your eyes would hammock me like they did,

and i have known you all.

known the curves of your shoulders,

and the smiling corners of your eyes,

i have known the arches of your neck,

and the crinkle of your nose.

i've heard the knots of your voice,

and felt the warmth of your skin.

i'm not ready to let you go.

i'm not ready to carve wrinkles in the face of our journey,

or to become distant seas once again.

but you were mine. you are mine, and i can let you go.

you can line your feet up with the stars,

you can carry me behind your lids,

feel this moment when the wind whispers you goodnight.

i will carry you with me.

i will carry you in the pits of my knees and the creases in my hands.

i will carry you in every breath when the clouds don't come down for a while,

when I forget to let the rain wash me through,

when i need to burn again.

I will leave my shoes at the door.

Dear Family & Friends,
 

I am sitting in the basement of a Beijing hostel alone.

The students had their last meal of baozi, doujiang, and youtiao all together at 5am this morning. I barely had my eyes open, dazed from the lack of sleep, forthcoming goodbye and nostalgia.

As I hugged each of my beloved students, Carly, Xavier, Matt, Grace, Joe, Boovy, Sam, Shira, Margaret, Sammy, Nicko and Brianna, I felt such gratitude for having each of them on my trip, and for having an incredible collective group. In each hug I thought about the wonderful characteristics that I came to adore during our weeks together. I miss you all already.

Yesternight we shared some of our favorite moments, and what this trip has meant to each of us during our candle lit closing ceremony. For myself, this trip brought to light my own strengths that I'll need in my next adventure, and that I have my own 'areas of development'. I, too, am still growing.

Family and friends, your son, your daughter, your boyfriend/girlfriend/bestfriend, grandson, niece... they are on their way home. I hope your first embrace and first meal together is filled with stories of their highs-lows (roses, and thorns, perhaps some buds - ask them) and filled with all the inside-jokes from the trip that you may not understand.

They may be a bit tanner, a bit thinner, a bit thicker, or in many ways exactly as you remember them. However, keep in mind they have changed. If they try to have a poop-check with you do not be alarmed. It may just be a matter of readjustment.

In seriousness, in the coming weeks and months, these precious people in your life will gradually return to normalcy outside of China, but keep in mind that they have had challenges on this trip, they have had breathtaking moments, and small moments of graceful interaction with individuals far different from themselves. This inevitably will transform a person. Be patient with each of them.

And, parents, thank you for sending your most precious possession on this course, trusting the Dragon's team, this instructor team and letting them grow.

Students, be patient with yourself. Take time to reflect, relax, and trust that the busy-ness of your life at home will resume with due time. Take notice of how you may feel differently, how you may think differently, and continually re-evaluate what you believe to be true, especially from the lessons from the instructors, and the lessons that this place has offered you.

If you begin to miss this experience you've just left, go inward to remember what knowledge and insight you have gained; continue to be curious, and continue to question both of yourself and of the world around you.

I hope in the coming weeks between my own resettling we can make our electronic connections to reminisce and share our (high quality) photos. For now I leave you with a few words you've already heard from Terry & Renny Russell, On the Loose:

So why do we do it?

What good is it?

Does it teach us anything?

Like determination? invention? improvisation?

Foresight? Hindsight?

Love?

Art? Music? Religion?

Strenth or patience or acuracy or quickness or tolerance or

Which wood will burn and how long is a day and how far is a mile

And how delicious is water and smoky green pea soup?

And how to rely

On your

Self?

Congratulations. Way to make the best of the last 10 days of our trip. I miss each and every one of you.

With Love,

Mei